Tuesday, May 5, 2015

#sol15 If I were in control

"I don't like this," she whispered without looking at me. I was pretty sure she meant her "new normal" but I didn't ask.  "I don't want to be so $&-+;: old. I don't want to walk with that ()#$%&( walker.  I want to do my own cooking, my way. I want to pay my bills, my way. I want to do my own laundry, my way. I don't want (#&#* people here in my house watching over me. I want to be in control of my life."

"I know, but we are not in control of everything" I responded philosophically.

"Don't give me that #$%)(&%&() line," she responded, this time assertively and with authority the defied the rose covered house dress that hung loosely on her frail frame. "If I were in control, things would be very different!"

This time, I rubbed her shoulder and said nothing because frankly, there really was nothing I could say!  I too wish I were "in control" of so many things that I cannot home (dust balls, weeds, laundry, time, patience...), in my family (home, hearts, health, her, suffering, interactions...), in my school (reading, writing, word study, priorities...), in my profession (negativity, respect, professionalism, life-long learning ....), and in our world (acceptance, peaceful coexistence....) The list of what I would do if I were in control is longer than the Mississippi and wider than the Atlantic!

"We are not in control of everything" I reminded myself as I kissed her sleeping forehead, walked past her waiting walker, and left for a quick walk around the track where for 15 minutes I had some control of my heart rate as well as my emotions. There, as I went around the bends, my mind and my heart merged, for a moment, in memories of what was and reminders of what will be. I found a line from the Serenity prayer, circling the track with me....
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. 


Bernadette Laganella said...

Thank you so much for your post. It made me smile because I am dealing with the same issue with my mother. I will take a cue from you and use that line from the serenity prayer for my new mantra.

Melanie said...

I am dealing with some of this, too. It's really hard. I never imagined how hard it was for our mothers, too.

beckymusician said...

It is so hard for all of us to give up control, even over things that we really don't control. We are dealing with this, too, with my mother-in-law. She is 96, in a nursing home, and can no longer really walk. She is in a wheelchair, but every time we take her somewhere, she suggests we take her walker. All things considered she is pretty accepting. Her favorite saying lately is, "The golden years! They get rusty!"

Dana Murphy said...

Memories of what was and reminders of what will be... what a beautiful line. I often whisper the Serenity Prayer to myself. I find it does help me find acceptance. Sending loving wishes to you and your spunky mother.