Perceptions

Today, my lead is the question that is lingering in my head all week.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with expectations you perceive other people have of you?  Specially at this time of year, I often do!
In my teaching world, the spring season brings not only nicer weather and more opportunities for outdoor recess!  It is the time when we start to see the end of the year in focus.  There are students who are making HUGE personal gains in reading and writing and yet, their parents (and I) want them to be "on level."  The students, in spite of all our work, are not yet there, but they are making progress.  At times, I feel like I should do more....
In my job as a professor, I TRY to be supportive and give feedback and opportunities to revise and to read and reread work.  In spite of all my efforts, I can't make everyone happy all the time.  At times, I wish there were more hours in a day!
In my home life, I try to be a  cheerful and supportive wife but it is hard when the papers and emails are demanding my immediate attention.  At times, I order Chinese food and at times I feel inadequate.
In my role of mother to adult children, I try to be a cheerful and supportive mother who is always there when needed, but it too is hard with busy lives and I think my children might see me as "too" busy.  At times, I feel inadequate.
In my roles of Auntie, Sister, Daughter, Niece, & Friend I have the same feelings at times.  If there were a few more hours in every day I might have that bustle finished and would have breakfast with my dearest friends.  I'd stop by more often and call more often and be there for others.....
If I really start to REFLECT on my life, these perceptions are more likely MY feelings than others. 

I am not perfect in any aspect of my life; however, I am doing my best in all aspects of my life!  SO, if you are waiting for a return email, a note about student progress, or a good dinner, please know I am working to get it all done and I am my own worst critic.  In reality I really am doing my best on this journey called life.  I am just not always the "bright light" I wish I could be.   

Readers Who Read About Writers!

I could NOT have made this one up! 
About 6 months ago, at Costco, I picked up a copy of Elizabeth Berg's Home Safe.  Why did I buy it?  It said, on the cover, that the book was a NYTimes Bestseller!  Good enough for me I thought but the book sat on my nightstand and kept falling below whatever book I was currently reading! Sometimes that does happen to me and so this wonderfully crafted tale of a WRITER was almost lost to this semester or writing focus! 
This weekend, I needed to escape into a book before the onslaught of final projects that will be coming my way and so I grabbed the text as I dusted off the nightstand to "look at" while I got my feet prepared for spring!  I started it yesterday morning and in true great book fashion, it was done after breakfast today.  The laundry is NOT finished and there is NO ironing done and the dust bunnies are still hopping around in their glory....but I escaped into a great book about a writer! 

Writers

In education, we have always segmented our learning (at least for our students) into quarters, semesters, or years.  This appears to be a bit of an oxymoron in our intent to inspire lifelong learners! 
   *    We are no longer, at least in this area of the world, an aggrarian society where our children are "getting
         out of school" at certain times of the day and certain times of the year to support the family farm /
         business. 
  *     Even on the college / grad school level, there are clear ends to every semester seen by the stressed
         faces that are less focused on course readings and ideas and more focused on "the project" or test.On On the one hand, I think this might be something we should reconsider as it does appear to "waste" quite a bit of learning time and changes our focus from learning to finishing.
However, on the other hand, I think this might just offer all learners a chance to "start anew" when things are not going well and "reflect" on where they have come and where they are going.
So, while I do not know all the answers, I do know that I will continue to read (and hopefully to write) even though this semester is drawing to a close.  The reading piece is part of who I am and a part that I use to flesh out new ideas or escape from the painful reality of living.  The writing piece is the piece I had put on hold for many years but that I am now reminded offers the same ability to flesh out ideas or escape from the realities of living.

I will end this entry with an old poem that was the theme of my HS year book at a time when the Vietnam War had divided families and closed universities.   A time when life was indeed uncertain for many.  I guess the gift of "time" is that I now realize that those times in life come again and again for those of us blessed with long full lives. 

                 Desiderata


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann   ~ 1920

Lots of Writing

I realize, as this semester draws to a close, that I am writing a lot more"non-powerpoint for class" writing than in a very long time.  My initial reasons were to write along with my students as a writing model and mentor.  Sometimes, now, I am finding I am writing to clarify my thinking.  I am also finding that the MORE writing I do, the easier the ideas flow.  Sometimes, like today, I just want to write to make my thoughts more permanent.  I hadn't intended for this "relevation" on the subject of writing; however, it is becoming ever clearer to me that the more I write, the easier it is to clarify my thinking in print. 

I guess all this is a writing reflection because all this writing has certainly made me stop and think about the potential power of sharing our writing with others in a supportive writing community - even if the audience is "virtual".

Thanks for joining me on this adventure!

Stockdale Principle

Perhaps it's because today is Easter and there were those we love who can no longer be part of our banter or conversation.  Or perhaps it is because I'm in a particularly reflective mood after a week of "vacation" and thinking about the ELA, merit pay changes, final papers, graduations and the challenges of a tight job market for my grad students and others for whom I care deeply.  Whatever the reasons, I am deep in thought this evening about how people confront, prevail and start anew after the inevitable disappointments and disillusionments that life so often delivers our way. 
I am grateful for the reminder of a weekly sermon and the strength of my faith.  I am also grateful for those who have faced adversity and lived to share strategies with those of us on the journey.  Some time ago, I read about the Stockdale Principle, which suggests we must retain faith and hope that we will prevail while accepting our current reality, whatever that might be.  Stockdale, if I remember correctly, was a prisoner of war who encouraged his fellow prisoners but never engaged in what we might today call "bucket list" making. 
So today, the reality is that there are many among us faced with great adversity and many challenges even on this day of great joy and promise.  There are likely some who might stumble on this blog post while they should be doing papers, case studies, or reader responses; however, I am using this blog as my way own way of sorting through my life of many complex and intersecting identities including my role of teacher. 

Focusing on Empowering Students

During this "spring break," I have had time to 1) eat dinner out; 2) sleep late; 3) finish Cutting for Stone; and Test Talk; and 4) reflect on my life at home and in the classroom.
Like most busy teachers, I usually save a professional book to savor each "vacation."  This time, I chose to start with one that had been on my shelf for more than a year.  I was really looking for texts for my summer class; however, the text certainly spoke to ME right now in a very direct way.  In Test Talk, Greene and Melton remind us that we owe it to our students to continue effective teaching practices WHILE we teach testing genre.  Thus, the attributes that we know contribute to empowering readers and writers are just as important during our preparation for high stakes assessments.  Green and Melton present evidence that just practicing for the test, even with feedback, will not empower your students to score higher; however, those same teaching strategies that we advocate all year through WILL empower students!  SO, do not STOP your assessment guided, differentiated, small group focused, vocabulary, comprehension  lessons.  Make sure you continue your assessment guided, differentiated, small group reader response, shared writing, and interactive wrting lessons.
The era of testing is here to stay and teachers need to empower students through effective teaching practices.

Starting Anew

I suspect part of my own upbringing as a child of "depression era" parents was that you really did need to finish your plate at dinner and you really did need to finish whatever you started.  Thus, not only was I a bit chubby as a child, I always finished books I started reading - even if I did not like them!  It really IS hard for me to admit defeat with a book even now, so I typically start scanning some paragraphs and reading very quickly before I give up totally on a book.  Sometimes, like when I read Three Cups of Tea last summer, my persistence has been rewarded (although knowing that this might be realistic fiction certainly has been very upsetting to me!).  In my writing, it has been even harder to abandon something that I have worked on particularly if the subject of story is one about which I am passionate!  There is STILL an article that I REALLY WANT to publish even though it was finally rejected after 4 rewrites and a year long hold!  I look at if from time to time.....and I work on it from time to time....knowing intellectually that it might never see light beyond my own computer screen; but, hoping, just hoping, that my persistence will be rewarded!
So it is with some level of trepidation that I am abandoning my attempted fantasy story.  As my grad students so effectively noticed, my "problem" was not clear to anyone - even to me!  I do, however, think my setting was pretty neat and would love to write about life beyond the Appalachian Trail; however, I do not know enough about the subject to do so at this time! 

I do, however, want to share an experience I had LAST Sunday, again with my husband, and again, while hiking up here in Duchess County.  This is a beautiful time of year to hike; however, few people hike the mountain trails along the Hudson Highlands during the winter due to the rough terrain and extreme winds that blow along the ridge. 
Frankly I was hesitant to go hiking in that area on Sunday as I expected the run off to be significant and knew that there might even be some snow at the top.  No matter what, we would probably be the first people to hike that trail in months and so the hike would be challenging and the markers might be missing.  I had suggested a kinder and gentler hike across the old railroad bridge; however, the my husband had a burning desire to do something more challenging and so I reluctantly agreed! 
We were indeed the first people up the mountain in many months but the quiet beauty of the trail that parallels the Hudson River mesmerized us as we slowly made the arduous climb up the the top of Mount Beacon.  It got colder and colder as we climbed and the wind became stronger and stronger making some places on the ridge beyond scary.  At times, my heart was beating so fast, I thought I might not even make it all the way to the top.  It was a long and arduous climb and as we neared the top, I knew we would BOTH need to rest before starting the climb back down.  We were, however, both too exhausted to even speak at that point on the trail as so I just hoped that we would be able to find a quiet spot out of the wind in which to rest. 
There was still quiet a bit of snow when we reached the top and the wind was indeed howling, but we surveyed the majestic views while holding tightly to the sides of the remaining walls of the old hotel and casino at the top. 
As some of you might know, there was an incline railway built to the top of Mt Beacon in the early 1900's and it transported people (in a much easier manner) to the top of the mountain where a small hotel and casino with panoramic views of the Hudson Valley awaited them.  The hotel and casino were abandoned at least 80 years ago after a fire swept through them in "breakneck" speed with obviously devastating results to all who were there at the time. 
I was indeed thinking of those people as we crouched down in the remains and quickly devoured the dried blueberries and almonds I had in my backpack.  We were careful to not drink all the water as we would, at some point, need some to get back down the treacherous hill; however, we did joke that we SHOULD have brought some fabulous mixed drink from the Roaring Twenties with us to celebrate our victorious climb! We decided we should do some reserach to find out what they were drinking at Mt. Beacon a hundred years ago!  Anyway, as we rested before our inevitable descent, we continued talking and wondering and THEN, something very strange happened.
At first I THOUGHT it was the wind but indeed it did sound like laughter and maybe even some music.  There were moans and groans but also the clinking sound of glass and the sound of someone talking in the distance.  I looked at my husband who had shut his eyes and was even snoring softly.  I was panicked but curious at the same time and so I shifted my weight so that I could look around the corner of the old brick wall.  There was NO ONE there; however, the noises I heard really were NOT the WIND! 
I lay there for a LONG time listening to the sounds and wondering if indeed these were the ghosts of the victims of the fire.  I was scared out of my mind that we too might die on the top of this mountain as a cloud blew over briefly blocking the sun; however, my hsuband insisted on a powernap before his descent and so I lay and listened to the sounds of Mt. Beacon.  At one point, I too drifted off in a powernap but I awoke to what certainly sounded like a motor and I was BRIEFLY certain it sounded like the old tramway motor!  But then, as I came too, I realized the sky was getting darker by the minute and the wind was blowing snow and ice pellets down upon us and so I shook my husband awake and insisted we get down the mountain. 
The first part of the climb was very tough and so we did not talk for at least 45 minutes....but then I said something about my dream during my powernap...and Ray wanted to know more.
Slowly the story emerged that we had BOTH heard the same strange sounds and had BOTH wanted to know more.  He thought it was indeed the ghosts of the victims of the fire and not the wind; however, I tried to be very rational about the whole afternoon.  We were literaly shaking with fear, excitement and wonder as we reached the safe bottom of the mountain that afternoon, particularly as we saw a lone hiker preparing for his ascent of the mountain.  He asked about the climb and noted that he usually tried to get up in late March but with the weather....well it was already April.  Although the sun was shining and it was LOVELY at the bottom of the mountain, we did offer that it was cold, windy and snowing at the top. 
He smiled and said something about the magic of getting to the mountain in early spring - and something about connecting with long past relatives - but in a flash he was gone and we were left to wonder if indeed there was something magical or mystical going on at the top of that mountain over the long winter. 
We'll probably never know for sure if what we heard that afternoon was a figment of our imagination or long lost ghosts; but Ray and I have settled into a quiet acceptance of an unusual afternoon and we DO intend to go back with some snacks that might go more appropiately in that setting!  

  
            Picture taken with my phone from atop Mt. Beacon looking out over the Hudson River 
  

So let me recap this story: On Sunday, late in the afternoon, as my husband and I walked through Fahnstock State Park, I saw something so strange, I am not even sure it was real! It had been a pretty wonderful walk through the Appalachian Trail out onto the Blue Traail that takes you through Putnam County. We had gotten started a little later than we should have and after about 90 minutes of walking, we realized we were a bit disoriented when we came to a fork in the road with Blue Trails heading in both directions! At this point, we could have gone back the way we came and been back to the car in abouther a little over 90 minuets! (It was going to take longer to get out than to come it because it was going to be up hill ALL way back.) OR we could head off on the RIGHT Blue Trail and be back at the car in just about 15 minutes! The only really BAD choice would be going the wrong direction which would likely mean a LONG night out in the woods.


I voted for going back the way we came in; however, my husband was tired and wanted out more quickly (plus he dreaded the long uphill climb and I am sure my inevitable complaints!). In order to prevent the disaster of a night lost in the woods, we agreed to each take one of the "forks" and walk for JUST five minutes to see where we were headed. Then, we would meet again at the fork and decide what to do!

I had just left my husband to explore which direction we should go. I was tired - frankly exhausted -and the sun was already begining to get low in the sky. As I came over the ridge of the first hill I saw the brightest of lights ahead of us. The lights were blinding but even more than that, the lights were like a giant magnet pulling me closer and closer and closer. I could feel myself moving faster and faster and faster until finally I began to see a huge group of animals huddled around a magestic fire pit. There must have been hundreds of deer, skunks, squirrells, possums, birds....they were everywhere. It appeared they were all together celebrating of at least enjoying each other's company! And before I knew it, I was in the midst of them all....right near the fire pit where the deer were warming their hooves and a group of beavers were smiling proudly. My heart was beating very rapidly at that moment and while I was in the midst of them all....they totally ignored me. I was scared to death. Where was I? What was happening....? I still get kind of sweaty just remembering my panic at that moment. This was NOT something I had ever heard of before....creature of the forest celebrating what I wondered?  What would YOU have done if YOU had been in this situation?

I spent a while just taking in my situation and deciding that I was either a) insane, 2) dehydrated, 3) hallucinating, or 4) imagining my situation.  It appeared the animals were talking but they were NOT talking in English.  It appeared they were celebrating, but there was not a real party in which I could partake.  So, I sat and watched....and listened....and silently planned  my escape.  There was no one talking TO me and in fact, they did not even appear to know I was in their midst.  The larger animals seemed totally consumed with eating and sharing their food with each other.  The birds and other small animals seemed very happy to just be together sharing time.....and so I wondered.....what if I just walked SLOWLY away?  Would the forct that pulled me in continue to draw me back to the fire?  Would I be able to walk away?  Would I be able to find my trail? Would I find the RIGHT trail back to my fork IF I COULD GET AWAY?  My mind continued to race and my hear was beating faster and faster.  I was sure that I was losing track of time and that my husband would be FURIOUS with me about my "getting lost!"  He would proabaly consider the scenerio I would describe as a BAD DREAM - IF I EVER GOT BACK TO THAT FORK....

But, I knew I had to do something as this was NOT my world and it really appeared that these animals did not RECOGNIZE or care about me ONE BIT...so....

So let me recap this story: Yesterday, as I walked through Fahnstock State Park today, I saw something so strange, I am not even sure it was real! It had been a pretty wonderful walk through the Appalachian Trail out onto the Blue Traail that takes you through Putnam County. We had gotten started a little later than we should have and after about 90 minutes of walking, we realized we were a bit disoriented when we came to a fork in the road with Blue Trails heading in both directions! At this point, we could have gone back the way we came and been back to the car in abouther a little over 90 minuets! (It was going to take longer to get out than to come it because it was going to be up hill ALL way back.) OR we could head off on the RIGHT Blue Trail and be back at the car in just about 15 minutes! The only really BAD choice would be going the wrong direction which would likely mean a LONG night out in the woods.


I voted for going back the way we came in; however, my husband was tired and wanted out more quickly (plus he dreaded the long uphill climb!). In order to prevent a disaster, we agreed to each take one of the "forks" and walk for JUST five minutes to see where we were headed. Then, we would meet again at the fork and decide what to do!

I had just left my husband to explore which direction we should go. I was tired - frankly exhausted -and the sun was already begining to get low in the sky. As I came over the ridge of the first hill I saw the brightest of lights ahead of us. The lights were blinding but even more than that, the lights were like a giant magnet pulling me closer and closer and closer. I could feel myself moving faster and faster and faster until finally I began to see a huge group of animals huddled around a magestic fire pit.  There must have been hundreds of deer, skunks, squirrells, possums, birds....they were everywhere.  It appeared they were all together celebrating of at least enjoying each other's company!  And before I knew it, I was in the midst of them all....right near the fire pit where the deer were warming their hooves and a group of beavers were smiling proudly.  My heart was beating very rapidly at that moment and while I was in the midst of them all....they totally ignored me.   I was scared to death.  Where was I?  What was happening....?  I still get kind of sweaty just remembering my panic at that moment.    This was NOT something I had ever heard of before....creature of the forest celebrating what I wondered? 
 
Now in just a few moments I will tell you what happened next....but what would YOU have done if YOU had been in this situation?

More on this story.......the beginning

Today, as I walked through Fahnstock State Park today, I saw something so strange, I am not even sure it was real!  It had been a pretty wonderful walk through the Appalachian Trail out onto the Blue Traail that takes you through Putnam County.  We had gotten started a little later than we should have and after about 90 minutes of walking, we realized we were a bit disoriented when we came to a fork in the road with Blue Trails heading in both directions!  At this point, we could have gone back the way we came and been back to the car in abouther a little over 90 minuets!   (It was going to take longer to get out than to come it because it was going to be up hill ALL way back.)  OR we could head off on the RIGHT Blue Trail and be back at the car in just about 15 minutes!  The only really BAD choice would be going the wrong direction which would likely mean a LONG night out in the woods. 
I voted for going back the way we came in; however, my husband was tired and wanted out more quickly (plus he dreaded the long uphill climb!).  In order to prevent a disaster, we agreed to each take one of the "forks" and walk for JUST five minutes to see where we were headed.  Then, we would meet again at the fork and decide what to do! 
I had just left my husband to explore which direction we should go.  I was tired - frankly exhausted  -and the sun was already begining to get low in the sky.  As I came over the ridge of the first hill I saw the brightest of lights ahead of us.  The lights were blinding but even more than that, the lights were like a giant magnet pulling me closer and closer and closer.  I could feel myself moving faster and faster and faster...until....